Dancing Pigs of Vinnytsya
The McDonut saga continues. This might appear as a variant of the ancient saying, "when pigs can fly," but that is not how it started. Puppy McDonut will chase almost anything alive, but when he met pigs in Vinnytsya, he ran and hid. Nor is it a satire of traditional dance. At its best this is a superb and entertaining art form requiring grace, strength, flexibility, years of practice and inherent ability. The costumes are marvels and the music generally lively and uplifting. Besides, who really knows if pigs can or cannot dance?
The attached song is a remix of a tune already posted. It was recorded on 4-track cassette, so lent itself nicely to an upgrade in a digital audio workstation. It is still a demo, but a clean one.
The Dancing Pigs of Vinnytsia
We all remember the first great pandemic of the 21st century. Many people became very restless with their forced confinement. As it happens, pigs are bored during lockdown, just as humans. After all, they are clever and sociable beasts. Aside from the fact that they weigh 200 kilos, they would be fine pets and companions. Our porcine heroes are residents on the outskirts of Vinnytsia, an ancient and historical city of the Ukraine. As the quarantine lengthens, they have wracked their brains for new hobbies to pass their time productively. One day, they notice the farmer’s girls practicing traditional dance in the bright sunshine. How dazzling they are! They have an idea. “Let’s try that. It is so elegant and graceful. Such fun!” They begin to practice a little each day when no one is around. Soon they are mimicking routines and learning new ones from the internet. They have an Apple IPig for their use. As they get better they practice more and more complex dance routines. These are sleek and athletic pigs, not big fat porkers. A twirl and a spin. “Kick higher brothers and sisters. Excellent!” Our piggies are quite good. But what is to become of it? No one notices. They are just pigs after all. Our dancers do not care. They are doing something they love.
One day our Uncles are returning to Kiev from Vinnytsia. They have delivered a Jeep load of fresh McDonuts to a nearby village for a special celebration. “Stop Dmitri. Look at this spectacle. This routine is amazing!” They stop and watch. They are mesmerized. Wow! When it is over, great applause. The pigs are startled but pleased. “Where do you perform? You are splendid dancers.” “No sir. We do not have an audience. We are doing something that we enjoy very much. It has been a blessing during this quarantine.” “Nonsense. You should be seen. Talent like this must be shared. Doesn’t your farmer appreciate your art?” “We have not told him. It is almost summer and he is very busy.” “Well, we will put a stop to that. You are perhaps the best we have seen, pigs or humans. Fetch him Dmitri.” And off he goes. The family cannot comprehend. They are thinking that this Uncle is on hooch. “Our pigs? Great dancers? You are either a fool or a liar, or perhaps both? Har, har, har. Lead the way stranger.” Our Uncles choose the right song in the Jeep and off they go. Incredible! They have only ever performed in silence. But with this fresh inspiration, the dance takes on a new shining light. My goodness. What astonishment from the family. “You are great artists. We love traditional dance. We always wished for our daughters to be performers and although they are good, your interpretation brings tears to our eyes. You are right Uncles. What a revelation. You must have costumes and be shown to an audience. If only we knew the right connections to present you in the way which you deserve.” “Never fear. We have many contacts from our association with the World Famous Snoop McDonuts. It would be shameful if such inspiration was squandered. Thank you piggies for your time. It is something that we will not soon forget. Practice hard and above all, keep your restless spirit. You will hear from someone soon.”
Our Uncles return to Kiev to continue their work. The farm family are very excited and proud of the proteges. “Continue your practice little ones. We will provide the music our daughters use for their dance so that you may have the full experience. We must get you correct costumes. Such art must be authentic.” Soon all the neighbours are coming to watch as word spreads and their local fame grows. The Uncles have remembered an impresario in Vinnytsia and have explained the skill of these unlikely dancers to him. “Bah”, he says. “Drinking again. Fine. I will go on your wild pig chase. If you insist, Dmitri.” But no. “They are incredible. This is the chance of a lifetime! What a find.” He contacts a local talent agency and soon, “You’re hired!” Now they are practicing daily in a local hall in full costume. A tour will begin when spring planting is finished. Let it never be said that Ukraine is not a land of opportunity! Meanwhile, they practice with new joy in their hearts.
Planting is completed and the magic moment arrives. The pigs tour the local area. Ticket sales are booming. A smash hit. Word spreads quickly. The internet explodes. Excitement builds. Soon there is talk of a world tour. In no time, they are such a sensation that even international dates are booked. From humble beginnings to rising stardom. A classic tale and well earned! Our Puppy and Coyote have heard rumors of this rising phenomenon. “Mommy. Daddy. Can we see this wonderful act? There is a command pre-tour performance tomorrow in Vinnytsia before they leave to dazzle the world. Coyote and I have traveled the world and endured fame. Let us support and advise them on the pitfalls.” “Of course dears. What helpful children.”
And the next day, to Vinnytsia it is. The Lada jeep purrs like a kitten on the rough road. On the day of the final local performance excitement is spreading. The auditorium is full and the stage is set. The audience waits breathlessly for our unlikely artists. How unusual. The wait is long. No piggies. What is this? Even the orchestra is confused. Our artists live clean lives. They are not on the hooch. They are comfortable and eager to perform. Eventually after much searching the emcee addresses the audience. “Please accept our sincere apology but the show is cancelled. There has been some kind of disturbance and our artists have disappeared. It is impossible to conceive. The authorities have been summoned. This is an outrage, a national disgrace! They must be found.” “Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz. What can it mean?” The front page of Pravda will tell the tale. “Dancing Pigs Disappear. Mystery or Elaborate Hoax? You be the Judge.” Puppy and Coyote are very distressed. Mommy, Daddy. We must investigate. Please Papa. Take us to the scene of this unspeakable crime. Please, please. I know we can help.” “Yes children. This is appalling. We must all try to do our part.”
Now let us return to the day before the grand performance. There is a certain oligarch for whom his plundered riches are not enough. He craves glory and acclaim. This oligarch desperately wants his daughters to win the talent contest at their private school. They will compete with their folk dance routine and dazzle the judges. No expense will be spared. He has recruited the famous teacher Olga Krevchuk. But the daughters are lazy and rude to her. They will not listen. She is old school and strict, but to no avail. Our oligarch despairs. “Their talent is obvious, but who can I find to train these little imps? Such rascals they are. This can be the first stepping stone to fame and glory!”
The bodyguards have noticed his distress. “Yuri. With respect, we have a suggestion. We know that this talent contest means a great deal to you. Please do not be offended, but your girls do not seem motivated by their current teacher. During our business in Vinnytsia we encountered quite a phenomenon. Farmer Stephanchuk has a traditional dance troupe gathered from his pigs of all things. We have attended a rehearsal. Their talent is limitless and their interpretations flawless. It beggars belief. I am sure that your daughters would be intrigued by such teachers. We could “persuade” them to give us some of their time. They are leaving soon for a world tour boss, so let us seize this opportunity immediately.” “Do it lads. We must be successful in this. Spare no expense!”
The bodyguards have made a clever plan. “These pigs have strong interest in the history of their craft. We will lure them to a barge on the Bug River with the promise of meeting the Cossack master, Mikhail Ropyaniuk, who has taken an interest in their unique interpretations. They will surely wear their costumes in their eagerness. Mikhail is a little down on his luck. We will insist that this is a training session for our proteges and that he will be well paid. Sadly, we cannot tell him our real intent because this scoundrel is an honest man. What a fool! But he will not give us up or we will withhold payment and his family will be on the street. If he does not accept the stick or the carrot, the cudgel will bring him around. Har, har, har, har. Let’s be at it laddies. There is a big contest to be won and the boss must have his way no matter what.”
These bullies have their own barge but they steal one just to keep in practice. The evil plot is in motion and now the barge has landed. The piggies are not sleeping anyway. They are a little anxious with the big command performance being the next day. “Pace, pace, oink, oink. Pace, pace, oink, oink.” And so it goes. They welcome the distraction from the plotters. How were they to know? These are honest and friendly porkers. They grab their costumes and readily follow. “Goodness. He is such an expert dancer and he wishes to meet us? What lucky little pigs we are.” They arrive at the river. “Please come aboard. We admire your work and you are honored guests.” Our dancers suspect nothing. Down below, they meet the master and all suspicion is gone. Our piggies are thrilled to meet the master. They see this art as not only fine recreation and entertainment, but as a rich expression of the history of their beloved Ukraine. The conversation is lively and they do not notice the motion of the river and before you can say “Razzle, Dazzle, Ding Dong,” this barge has flown. Mikhail notices first. “What is this you reprobates? We are moving. Turn around immediately. These artists have a performance soon.” “Calmly now. We need these dancers for a time. When we are done, you will be returned to your home. Do not resist. You have no choice.” Eventually the barge lands and the artists are taken to the giant estate of the Oligarch. We will hear more of these events soon.
Meanwhile, it is next day and after the disappearance and cancelled show, the McDonuts have arrived at the farm. They find baffled officials pondering the scene. “It is impossible. Gone, yet no sign of a struggle. I know how important this was to them and their family.” Puppy steps up. “Bark, bark. Let us look. We have experience with sleuthing. Coyote. Sniff it out.” Coyote has a powerful sense of smell, hundreds of times more sensitive than any human. Her people are great hunters and survivors. She walks the pigs’ home snuffling frantically. She’s got it! Child’s play for this one. She runs madly chasing the scent. Goodness. It leads to the river. “Look Puppy. There are marks from some sort of craft.” “It is a boat Coyote and a big one at that. Now why would they go for a boat ride on the night before the big performance?” “My nose tells me they have 3 humans for companions.” “Oh, oh. This is trouble Coyote. It is obviously something nefarious. Quickly authorities. Find us a boat. There is no time to lose. If we can see where they landed, my sister can find their location very quickly.” They cruise the water for hours, ever vigilant, looking left, looking right. Many kilometers down the Southern Bug they see a barge grounded on the right bank. “Now that is not right officers. Quickly to shore. Coyote will trace their movements.” The trail leads southwest and down river. A short distance away looms a giant castle surrounded by immaculate grounds and gardens. What could this be?
On a previous day, our stars had been taken to the Oligarch’s estate and introduced to the girls. They are indeed fascinated by their new guests and impressed by their skills. As it turns out, our pigs are not only great talents, but great teachers. The little girls love the piggies. They buckle down and repeat their routine over and over. “Steady Maria. Head a little to the right. A moment girls, there is one more sashay before that high kick, Excellent. Well done. Not so stiff in the twirl. Relax now. Let me show you. There. You have it. Nastya. Head a little higher please. Be proud. Your performance will be very good.” What an improvement. Just a little more practice and they will surely triumph! It is the morning of the talent contest and everyone is so excited. The work is done and now the payoff. “We are proud of you girls. You have listened and learned so well. Such good pupils. Now all that is left is for you to enjoy the show.” But what is this? A hubbub. A kerfuffle. Loud voices and footsteps outside the Great Hall. The door bursts open and leading the authorities we have Puppy and Coyote. “Arooooooooooooooh!” “Bark, bark, bark!“ “We have found you at last and you are unharmed. Thank goodness. Your family was so worried.” “Oh no. We are sorry for the concern. But we were never in danger and we were very busy with our new pupils. Please meet Maria and Nastya. They show great promise. It is true that we were kidnapped, but the cause was a good one. In truth, it was a nice interlude before our own tour begins. Thank you for your rescue. However did you find us? But we insist upon remaining with our pupils until after their contest. They have worked very hard and we wish that they should fulfill their destiny. Our tour can wait a day or two.”
On the night of the contest the hall is abuzz. As well as proud parents and relatives, we have our two sleuths and a gaggle of authorities. “Look. It is Puppy and Coyote McDonut. What an honor. And the Dancing Pigs of Vinnytsia in full costume! We will long remember this special evening!” All of the performers are very good. But towards the end a hush falls as our girls finally take the stage. A flash of light and a burst of music and they are off. How precise our dancers. Such grace and form. They are in a trance. The audience is swept away on a mystical journey. A magical night. Our piggies burst with pride. As they finish in a swirl of motion and a crash of wild sound, the spectators rise to their feet as one. “Bravo, bravo, bravo!” Nastya and Maria are acclaimed winners and handed the Gold Cup. “Well done! What fine dancers you are. It is not your fault that your father is such a scoundrel. You did not know we were here under duress and in truth, it has been a pleasure to teach such students. We are proud of your hard work. Enjoy your triumph my angels. There will be many more!”
The rest is almost inevitable. Once again it is back to Vinnytsia to complete unfinished business. The performance is a sensation. And now, off to conquer the world. Word builds quickly as our talented troupe dances in the fabled cities of Europe. Moscow, St. Petersburg, Kiev, Prague, Vienna, Berlin, Munich, London, Paris, Madrid, Rome. Each night is more breathtaking and memorable as the waves of acclaim build. And then to America. Carnegie Hall, Los Angeles Bowl. Legendary performances in legendary venues. Finally the tour winds down and our exhausted performers can dream of the cool, soothing mud of their beloved home. But wait! A letter arrives. May we have the pleasure of your company on the Oprah Show for September 13, 2021? We are flying Puppy and Coyote from Kiev to introduce you to the people of America who have heard of your triumph and wish to see our new heroes. Who could refuse? “Friends and neighbors. It is an honor to present our country men and friends from Vinnytsia, Ukraine. Join us in welcoming them to the stage for one final performance.” Pandemonium. Amongst their great artistic shows, this is the most supreme. Oprah is in tears. Such dexterity. Such grace. Wild ovations. America will long remember this great cultural export. And as always, the last word goes to Pravda. Headlines read, “All Doubt Vanishes. Faith Restored. The Dancing Pigs of Vinnytsia are Great Talents.” The end.
